i'm insane

just thought you should know....

i'm completely insane.

Bad bad bad choices EVERYWHERE!

Flames on the side of my face

Oh Lord, what am i doing now?

So, there's this guy... I knew him 22 years ago. He's older than me. And that alone is enticing to me. But there's more.
I was barely out of my teens when I met him. And he wrote me a letter. A letter that I have never ever forgotten. And he was married at the time. And yet he wrote me a letter expressing some interest in me. And being that I was so young, I didn't really know what it meant.

Fast forward 22 years and our paths have crossed again. And he's married, to a different woman.

And yet... I'm attracted to him. And, I feel fairly certain that he is attracted to me. Maaaybe I'm reading more into this than there is, but I really feel like he is flirting with me.

so, what now? Do I really want to go there?

Why oh why is it only the married ones that find me attractive???

I want

a kitten
a boyfriend who loves me for me
one job instead of four
health insurance
confidence
peace
to lose weight
to be happy

Well, I guess that's that. He deleted my last email to him.

I really just wish I knew what the hell happened. yes, the rejection totally sucks, but the not knowing is making me crazy.

So, I'm going to try to stay off POF for awhile. It's only making me more crazy.

boys suck. and if you forget, they'll remind you.

I seriously hate this shit.
I have a great night with someone, would it kill him to call? or give me some indication of what is going on in his head? If he doesn't want to see me again, just tell me. The not knowing is driving me fucking bonkers.
I'm talking to him now over email, but it feels strained and awkward. because I don't know what he's thinking. Did he suddenly decide it was a mistake to hook up with me? is he really as busy as he says he's been? is he "JUST NOT THAT INTO ME?"

I don't want a wedding ring. I don't want commitment. I just want to know what happens next. If I'm being dumped - then just fucking dump me. Can I even be dumped after one measly night together?

I know, I may be making himalayas out of molehills but I'm so no used to this dating crap. I don't know how to play the games. I can't be patient. I'm fully aware that I should not have emailed him tonight, but I couldn't help myself. Mistake? probably.

I would like to stop feeling like I'm going to vomit.

I had a great time with him. I want it to happen again. What do I do?? Please give me patience. Give me confidence. Please let me know that I'll be ok whatever happens.

I got my hopes up. Stupid me. my life seems to just be a series of disappointments. One after the other. No wonder I'm fat and awkward.

But he told me I'm beautiful. He told me I'm gorgeous. Was he just saying that to get sex? HATE THiS SHIT.

I'm totally torturing myself. I should just go to bed and try to forget. but can i?

I just wanted to have one nice thing in my life.